Relationship Trust

TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP

We all know how it feels to be deceived, belittled, let down, controlled, lied to, betrayed,

cheated upon… And we also know how difficult it is to regain trust when we inadvertently or

intentionally broke it with our loved one. We certainly do not like to be in either position when

we care, when we want the relationship to be successful. So let’s find out how we manage trust

or better yet how YOU manage it!

TRUST is the number one ingredient of a long term relationship. It is also called the GOLDEN RULE.

The GOLDEN RULE has three behavioral components. Do you have any suggestions as to what these

components are?

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Social Media Junky

I have recently been asked to reflect upon the impact of social media on the young adults’ generation.

I therefore looked into current research and found very scientific and reliable documents all discussing similar topics related to the impact of social media:  disturbances in attention span, superficiality of knowledge and impoverishment of language, impaired social skills, long term effect of specific site visits on job searching, isolation and tendency to depression, cyber bullying and depression, improper use of information and confidentiality issues, sexual abuse and advertising issues, narcissism and addictive behaviors.

Research also abounds in topics such as the correlation between the overuse of technology and social media and the destruction of family structures, couple’s relationship impairment and job issues. Some research, few of them, focus on the advantages of social media: social communication, brainstorming possibilities, cultural information, business promotion and world awareness.

I then looked at social media quotes. Interestingly enough, I figured that an overwhelming number of these “inspirational” quotes were negative about social media or their users. It also struck me that quotes that were long, complicated, disparaging and offering advice got the lower amount of “like”. In contrast, quotes that were short, simple, offering facts rather than advices were in higher favor.

When reflecting upon these considerations, a couple of questions emerged. Since users seem to be aware of the impact of their intense practice as well as their rationale for usage:

  1. Why complaining?
  2. Why staying involved?
  3. Why not be more selective?
  4. If social media/screen technology is a 21st century addiction, what about medical claim to genetic roots of addiction?
  5. Is the widespread use of screen technology the unavoidable way to the future along with radical changes to traditional communication, relationship, family structure and professional life?
  6. And WHAT ABOUT SEX?
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Smile With Yourself

I am blogging you from Thailand and I am taking this opportunity to share with you what impresses me the most about Thai people: their smile.

I was lying awake last night and started to formulate a scholastic blog with research data, inspirational quotes and all to share with you about the power of a smile. However, it quickly occurred to me that I was totally transforming a genuine, generous, accepting and openhearted gift into a sterile analysis of muscle motion and self-image generated behavior. Quite a defeating exercise where I only want to remind us all about the lovely changes a smile, two smiles, lots of smiles can induce in our daily life.

Smile to the stars, smile to the birds, smile to the trees

Smile to yourself, smile with yourself, smile at yourself

Smile to a child, smile to your neighbor, smile!

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Reflection: The Centipede Dilemma

“A centipede was happy, quite

Until a toad, in fun, said prey

Which leg goes after which.

This worked his mind to such a pitch

He lay distracted in a ditch

Considering how to run”

Such a fun little poem! Do you like it? It definitely applies to me, at times. What about you?

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Heart Decisions

“Only our heart can guide our vision,
The essential is invisible to our eyes”
Antoine de St Exupery

I have always tried to live by this extremely simple truth…yet so difficult to achieve. Recently, my dear friend Martha Boston, in her wonderful workshop “Navigation by heart”, reminded me of my heart and its importance in my life.

She also brought me this very effective method to live by my heart, to check upon my self-honesty: when making a decision, always ponder whether my intention is congruent with my decision. The only way for my intention to be honest is if it is guided by my heart. Making a decision truly congruent with my heart desire is often the way to make that decision successful.

A successful decision will always be self-validating. It will enhance our self-respect and self-worth.

A decision lead by our heart is not easy but it is very rewarding!

Please join in this conversation..with your heart!

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Motivation: Extrinsic Intrinsic

Today, motivation is declined around the concept of self-determination. Self-determination implies the principles of self-efficacy and responsibility. Motivation, therefore, is no longer understood as a reaction to simple stimuli such as hunger or pain. It is not only a “drive” corresponding to physiological needs but it is a process using psychological components including self-worth, self-esteem and self-efficiency.

These psychological components are determined in part by our character traits but also and for a large part by our education, environment and experiences. Each one of us develops overtime a personal relationship to motivation. We may acquire an intrinsic motivational orientation or an extrinsic motivational orientation. We may also navigate happily between the two extremes.

An intrinsic motivational orientation is one that is mainly concerned by a sense of mastery. It is doing something for our own satisfaction, just for the pleasure of accomplishing a task as well as we can without outside (external) recognition. Of course, we all like accolades but the satisfaction here comes from our inner sense of achievement. Artists and athletes, for instance, who practice individually have a heightened intrinsic motivational orientation.

Athletes who practice team sports and/or are regimented by a strict scoring system have a stronger extrinsic motivational orientation. Their sense of self-efficacy and achievement is directly impacted by others recognition. A musician will find energy and inspiration in his/her public ovation. Research has shown, overall, that success results from a healthy balance of both intrinsic and extrinsic motivational style.

It would be interesting to examine our own motivational style to assess our own strengths and our potential psychological issues such as procrastination, self-defeating behaviors, or deflated self-esteem. Where do you situate yourself? What motivates you the most? Do you feel like you have choices to make? Would you like to share your experiences with me?

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Motivation

Have you ever felt demotivated or are you always driven?

Are you ever dissatisfied with the accomplishment of a task, a job, a physical activity or even a hobby?
How do you work best: with a reward or a punishment?

Do you sometimes feel like doing nothing? You’re tired, down, blasé or depressed and you procrastinate because there is always another day!

Are you telling yourself that you will never be able to succeed? Or are you able to take up any challenge?
Is your hyperactivity an obstacle to your motivation?

Are you experiencing a “burn out” at work for instance? You want to work but you cannot bring yourself to get into it.
How do you motivate your children to learn?

Motivation is the focus of our life as parents, teachers, educators, managers, health providers, economists and of course individuals. Theories and strategies abound, yet, we recurrently face the issue of motivation and its multiple facets.

My list of questions to you is far from being exhaustive so let us start with your questions and your comments as a guide to our conversation on this fascinating subject. I am really looking forward to interact with you so please come forward!

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Carpe Diem

It is great to know that so many of you read the posts titled “Letting go”. Thank you!

For the following two weeks, I would like to engage you in a discussion about your interpretation of the following sentence “Live in the moment” otherwise known as “Carpe Diem” the Latin aphorism attributed to the poet Horace in 23 BC.

What does it mean for you? How do you apply it, if you do? How does it change your life, short term and long term? Do you find that living the moment may have some prerequisite? Can you apply this life principle to every aspect of your daily life?

And then, you may have more questions or a larger scope of reflection. Please share with us and remember that this open forum is focused on psychological issues. Please use your better judgment when entering the discussion.

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Letting Go Part 2

Letting Go

It was great to see how many of you enjoyed reading about ways of letting go of the past! Thank you.

So there is more to “letting go” than just establishing goals for the future, getting rid of old stuff and expressing our remorse. It also takes three more steps.

4-     Reset Your Story

Step back and allow yourself to reset your story with more exactitude, more honesty without the hurt, fear and loss that made you feel so rattled at the time of the break. See that with more empathetic eyes you will probably gain freedom and growth from a place of personal injury.

5-     Forgive

Is it possible? Only after your anger will not help any longer…when you anger becomes destructive rather than proactive, it is time to decide to forgive. Don’t forget to tell someone!

You may also need to forgive yourself at times. Well then, do it and change your behavior: don’t insult your husband, pay your fine, spend time with your child and apologize. Do something beyond repairing, offer to do something significant to show your remorse and on the advice of Dr. Sills remember that “good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.”

6-     Live The Present

Our strongest emotions bind us to the past and link us to the future bypassing the present. But we only live in the present, so let’s be mindful of what’s happening now. Let’s get involved and engaged into the present. Focusing on the now will free you from the past and prepare you for the future while giving some rest to all those hot emotions that are using so much of your energy!

Watch the butterfly and notice its designs and colors…you will have gained already few minutes of bliss…and as the “Love Guru” said you will walk from “NOwhere to NOWhere”.

Please comment or share your experience and remember to use kindness.

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Letting Go Part 1

Letting Go

With the beginning of a new year comes often the desire to explore new avenues, change daily routine, establish new goals, move on from a past relationship and start fresh!

Easier said than done for all too often we forget to clean up and make some room for new behaviors. What prevent us to move forward? To get out of the rut, we need to rethink our position. It is not necessarily a matter of amputation but rather of alteration.

The difficult part is to go beyond the emotions that anchor us down: love, fear and rage. So the first step is to be aware of those feelings, accept them and question them. However, to move forward also requires proactive behaviors. According to psychologist Judith Sills, there are six actions that will help you. Let’s start with the first three.

1-    Look Ahead

Reminiscing, lamenting and regretting belong to the past which cannot be changed. Anchor yourself in the future. Start a new activity: an online class, a physical training, a professional goal. The trick is to focus on results! Sure, it is difficult to add to your schedule but the time and energy spent on thinking about the past will largely make up for it. Besides, your present will be positively busy and your future will look brighter

2-    Discard

Throw away the memorabilia, toss, donate, sell and make some room. Do not think twice even though you will go through pain and anxiety, anger and grief. Keep going and clean up! You will feel lighter and more available to opportunities.

3-    Deal With Your Remorse

Write a letter of apologies or reach out face to face in a three steps process: state clearly what you feel you did wrong, allow the other person to express personal feelings and accept to eventually be hurt by the answer and finally offer an authentic expression of remorse without expecting anything in return but the satisfaction to have put that plaguing part of your past to rest.

Feel free to post your comments and/or your experiences. Please, remember to be positive and supportive. Thank you.

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